I punched the wall, the searing pain, a welcoming, comforting, distraction. Again, and again, till a hazy red mark remained, a permanent stain on the wall. I closed my eyes, wanting it all to end. I just felt so tired.
I leaned my head against the wall for a second; everything seemed to be a blur. Everything seemed too gruelling, impossible. Could I still continue?
I took off my black coat, it's carefully ironed side, soon lay crumpled on the ground. The flower in the top pocket, a delicate red rose. Eternity? I crushed it in the palm of my hand.
Next I loosened my tie. The exact one which I had done over and over just this morning, standing in front of the mirror, frantic to make it perfect. I slumped down into a chair, rubbing my bloodshot eyes.
I needed to forget, if not forever, just for now till things seemed more bearable. I grabbed my keys and left, the door slamming shut behind me.
Even as I drove, the morning's events haunted me. No note, no message, no text, no phone call. No appearance at all. Ninety eight guests left waiting and offering me their words and sympathies.
I arrived at the bar, vaguely aware of my surroundings but mainly focused on the drink I was going to get. I sat into a chair, and indicated to the boy serving me I wanted the strongest he had. Money shoved in his hands soon soothed his qualms.
Had I known that it would happen? No, I was clueless but thinking now, she did leave a few clues, didn't she? The times she didn't answer the phone. The times she disappeared for a while, coming back making an excuse she was with friends.
It hurt, it hurt a lot. I resolved to not thinking about it, just downing shot after shot of a nameless alcohol. I don't get drunk easily, and most times it's a blessing, but right now all I wanted was the fuzzy feeling, oblivious to the world that alcohol could provide.
Soon the boy stopped providing me with alcohol, and my head slumped to the table, the two rings tight in my fist.
