Lack of inspiration for fictional writing. Every time I start planning something, it just feels so cliché and superficial, so overwritten and overdone. I don’t know maybe cause of my naivety I didn’t notice it before but now it’s really bugging me.

Silence.

One of the most horrible feelings is being ignored without a reason, without an explanation. You don’t remember fighting, or any harsh words. Yet you can’t shake off the feeling of despair pooling in the pit of your stomach, and you know something must be wrong. Why else would they avoid your gaze, refuse to be near and not respond to your words. Yet they still laugh and joke around with your friend. You stand off to the side, invisible, feeling more alone than ever and unable to focus on the task at hand. Then they walk away, finding somewhere else to sit. Can they not even bare the sight of you? That morning was dreadful, those few hours spent anxious and afraid, running over and over in your mind the past few days, flashes and glimpses of memories now no longer relevant, no longer important. What had you done wrong? It hurts, even more so than when the words are finally uttered “it’s not working out.”

Today I woke up stressed, completely and utterly stressed. I’ve been lazing around while the workload has been ever increasing, still in the mindset that gets created and firmly established in the four month break from hsc to uni. Deadlines fast approaching while I stand dazed feeling like an animal caught in the blaring headlights of an oncoming truck in the darkest depths of the night. Willing to move yet unable to move.

Two weeks into architecture and I’ve just submitted in my first assignment, definitely the first of many to come. A slight weight has been lifted off my shoulders as four becomes three. But I must say compared to other courses, architecture has definitely been quite full on. By the end of another two weeks, I would have already designed my own building, exterior and interior, into a game program which then can be physically explored by a character; drawn, analysed and altered my own home to become more environmentally friendly and sustainable; drawn out the site plan, floor plans, elevations, axonometric technical drawings of a building complete with rendering totalling most likely more than thirty hours of drawing and researched a building, compiling 60-100 hd images from the resources of all three uni’s.

Pretty crazy right?

I guess the sudden bout of stress is good in a sense to boot kick me into action. Albeit a bit late, but better than never. Let’s hope I start pulling my weight awfully soon.

Been pretty lazy with updating because first week of uni has been absolutely hectic. Been to uni four days so far for four different subjects and already have four different assignments ranging from 10% to 70% worth. Add in another two days sick with fever and cold and you have my first week uni experience. Bleugh.

Though I can say that the teaching material is much more interesting than high school English essays and maths equations. We even sketched a capsicum for two and half hours which is my sort of lesson. I’ve already made new close friends who I look forward to spending these next few years with.

So right now I’m just hoping that things settle down soon and that we won’t be constantly bombarded with assignments.

Sometimes I wish that there was some unknown force that could tell you what to do, what direction to take, and in my case what course to study and hence job to do which I will be happy doing for the rest of my life.

See, from the earliest of my recollections, I’ve always wanted to be a vet. Probably from the time I first found out the definition of the word, I must have wanted to be one. So as it goes, that aspiration has literally held for years, a decade at the very least of my eighteen years.

Stemming mayhap from a mere childish wish, as the years went by, it seemed a step closer and more realistic. It’s all I’ve known and wished to become.

But now I’m not too sure anymore. I’ve taken a step in the completely opposite direction, enrolling in Architectural Studies as I was unable to achieve the marks required for Veterinary science. Why didn’t I do the natural course of action of a year of veterinary bioscience and transfer? Well there’s the Asian parent factor for one, preventing me from taking a course with too low of an atar cut off.

So now the question is, at the end of this year, if I make the marks, will I still want to transfer? Should I attempt to transfer no matter what? If I happen to like architecture, should I still take the risk and transfer to vet, which I have no guarantee is right for me nor that I will like, except a childish dream decided when I was probably in year three. I really don’t know.

All I can do I guess, is hope by the end of this year, the answer will be clear to me, and hopefully it’s the right one. Sorry for rambling, just trying to figure it out by talking to myself.